So, this is an issue that I have always experienced some level of conflict with. I'm a firm believer in living your best life; not set your goals to meet anyone else's expectations but yourself. I know that I haven't succeeded as much compared to most people in my class and year in school but I am grateful for my achievements both in my personal and professional life. Not everyone can turn around at my age and say that they litter-picked, cleaned shitty toilets, worked as a team leader and experienced both retail and hospitality at the 'tender' age of 21 bordering 22 years. Not everyone can turn around and accept they've had three different partners in five years. Or as my step-dad jokingly puts it, "A different boy for Christmas!".
On the other hand, I wouldn't like to say I've treated my boyfriends like puppies. I like the idea of my own space in a relationship. I've tried the opposite side of the spectrum where I have fully committed myself to my ex (including money and heaps of emotional stress) and this just didn't work for me. To me, that is not how I want to live my life. Don't get me wrong. I like to think of myself as being a very loving person. Yeah, I've said some pretty shitty things to people in the past and done pretty shitty things to people who I really cared about at one point in my life. Despite that, I value myself as being a very caring and conscientious individual. Most of my actions in life I have been aware of the consequences and the potential backlash I would receive with making those decisions.
So you're probably wondering how this post is relevant to my relationship? Well, I've had the pleasure of seeing my friends develop relationships (both past and present) where they seem truly happy and settled yet when I tell them about mine... the whole relationship setting seems different and almost too good to be true for them. Like, to say I've picked people with less than normal backgrounds would be an understatement. Then again, I'm grateful and appreciative of how my current boyfriend has dealt with the woes he's experienced in the past. I am immensely proud of how much weight he has bared on his shoulders yet carries himself so gracefully (even though he can be such a massive wind up and dick at times). But what follows this thought is a statement of practice what you preach.
My conflicting issue with my current relationship is that, don't get me wrong, I love the bones of the person I'm with and I hope to be with this person for a very long time... but I'm worried my friends don't think it's right for me. Like, they can see he makes me very happy but with us leading separate lives (different jobs, different network of friends, different uni courses and campuses just to list a few) there is little opportunity for him and myself to come together and spend time with ourselves never mind be out as a couple for nights out and gatherings with friends. I guess I'm worried that my friends don't know if he is right for me because of how he's always doing his own thing where I am always doing mine. It would be nice for him to come out with me occasionally and make an effort with my friends as, with him being such a positive influence in my life recently, I want my friends and loved ones to experience that for themselves. I want them to know and fully appreciate how happy I am with him being there with me. I know that I can fully lead a happy life single as my motto when it comes to relationships (in the words of RuPaul himself), "If you can't live yourself how the hell you going to love somebody else?!"
At the end of the day, my thoughts will always contradict each other. I love living an independent life and know that I don't need a man to be happy... but at the same time, I want to experience that love and journey of life with someone by my side. Especially with someone who I know genuinely loves me and gives a shit about me. I guess in this instance, this is something I will have to accept. My pride of choosing friends and family before love will always have to battle with what it is I want from a relationship; love and companionship... Why are relationships so difficult?
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