I'm not living in my partner's pocket... and it's ok?

So, this is an issue that I have always experienced some level of conflict with. I'm a firm believer in living your best life; not set your goals to meet anyone else's expectations but yourself. I know that I haven't succeeded as much compared to most people in my class and year in school but I am grateful for my achievements both in my personal and professional life. Not everyone can turn around at my age and say that they litter-picked, cleaned shitty toilets, worked as a team leader and experienced both retail and hospitality at the 'tender' age of 21 bordering 22 years. Not everyone can turn around and accept they've had three different partners in five years. Or as my step-dad jokingly puts it, "A different boy for Christmas!".

On the other hand, I wouldn't like to say I've treated my boyfriends like puppies. I like the idea of my own space in a relationship. I've tried the opposite side of the spectrum where I have fully committed myself to my ex (including money and heaps of emotional stress) and this just didn't work for me. To me, that is not how I want to live my life. Don't get me wrong. I like to think of myself as being a very loving person. Yeah, I've said some pretty shitty things to people in the past and done pretty shitty things to people who I really cared about at one point in my life. Despite that, I value myself as being a very caring and conscientious individual. Most of my actions in life I have been aware of the consequences and the potential backlash I would receive with making those decisions.

So you're probably wondering how this post is relevant to my relationship? Well, I've had the pleasure of seeing my friends develop relationships (both past and present) where they seem truly happy and settled yet when I tell them about mine... the whole relationship setting seems different and almost too good to be true for them. Like, to say I've picked people with less than normal backgrounds would be an understatement. Then again, I'm grateful and appreciative of how my current boyfriend has dealt with the woes he's experienced in the past. I am immensely proud of how much weight he has bared on his shoulders yet carries himself so gracefully (even though he can be such a massive wind up and dick at times). But what follows this thought is a statement of practice what you preach.

My conflicting issue with my current relationship is that, don't get me wrong, I love the bones of the person I'm with and I hope to be with this person for a very long time... but I'm worried my friends don't think it's right for me. Like, they can see he makes me very happy but with us leading separate lives (different jobs, different network of friends, different uni courses and campuses just to list a few) there is little opportunity for him and myself to come together and spend time with ourselves never mind be out as a couple for nights out and gatherings with friends. I guess I'm worried that my friends don't know if he is right for me because of how he's always doing his own thing where I am always doing mine. It would be nice for him to come out with me occasionally and make an effort with my friends as, with him being such a positive influence in my life recently, I want my friends and loved ones to experience that for themselves. I want them to know and fully appreciate how happy I am with him being there with me. I know that I can fully lead a happy life single as my motto when it comes to relationships (in the words of RuPaul himself), "If you can't live yourself how the hell you going to love somebody else?!"

At the end of the day, my thoughts will always contradict each other. I love living an independent life and know that I don't need a man to be happy... but at the same time, I want to experience that love and journey of life with someone by my side. Especially with someone who I know genuinely loves me and gives a shit about me. I guess in this instance, this is something I will have to accept. My pride of choosing friends and family before love will always have to battle with what it is I want from a relationship; love and companionship... Why are relationships so difficult?

Woes of a New Job

So it's been a good few months since I left my old job due to the level of bitchiness and drama and you would think that I would have settled into my new job now with people who I may not necessarily call my friends but good acquaintances and company to speak to whilst I'm on shift... Wrong. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm extremely grateful for the current position I am in. I'm no longer in a stressful job where the mass amount of responsibility and shit I would have to deal with each shift would reduce me to tears and gradually break me down emotionally to the point where I ask myself what is the point of me even turning up to work? I also appreciate the fact that my new managers recognize my hard work ethic and have rewarded that by offering me the extra hours I need each week in order to make ends meet at the end of the month (the extra money being a BIG bonus without having to slave my ass off like I used to). However, I would like to think to myself that, although I wish to avoid the drama and a repeat of past jobs, I would gel with people that I work with and have a level of communication with them where I can just relax and be myself around them. Wrong. 

Now, I work five days a week so I get to work with two sets of staff on a weekly basis. The first set of staff have been very welcoming and lovely considering I forced someone off their section and back onto a daily role that I didn't particularly like myself (THANKFULLY they've been understanding and are practically thanking me for that lol). On the other hand, the other set of staff - although very nice and friendly - I have not jelled with so well...

I wouldn't say that I don't want to make an effort. Of course I want to make a conscious effort to get to know the people I work with. What doesn't help now is that the only other people I directly work with in my section are the managers. Therefore, there is that automatic pressure not only to impress them but to make sure I continue working hard in order to prove myself worthy of the rewarded hours they have given me. On the other hand, this results in an element of loneliness I thought I would never experience in the workplace UNLESS I was hand-cuffed to a desk and a computer screen with limited communication other than via email or telephone. It's not as if the place I work isn't bustling. There are customers as well as staff members around each corner. Though certain cliques and friendship groups definitely exist where I work (something I don't really want to get involved with), I just get the horrible impression that they don't like me... and I really don't know why. 

Maybe it's a paranoia that I have but I know I can get quite tongue-tied particularly around new people and I know that I'm probably not the most charismatic person to speak to, particularly with me being so work-oriented. Maybe it's a wall I've created myself for not wanting to get involved with work drama. Maybe, this social isolation has been constructed by myself because I'm aware that my loud mouth has got me into trouble in the past so I don't want a repeat of past events. 

However, I feel like almost crying out for attention. Not in the way of throwing a paddy or cause attention to myself in an extravagant way, no. That's far from what I want. I just wish that I could speak to people and talk to them on a level that they talk amongst themselves. Maybe it's the fact that they are friends outside of work or know each other from school and I'm a complete outsider, I don't know. What I do know is that if I knew for a fact someone else felt like how I feel, I would want to do everything just to make them feel welcome and encouraged to be more social. 

Maybe it's just a self-confidence issue. Maybe it's a problem that I have caused myself without wanting to. I just wish that I could let this element of social anxiety go aside and fully enjoy being in a new job and creating a new network of people to socialise with because where I work now is honestly (and I never thought I would say this) the best and most relaxed job I've had since working full stop. I don't want this to overwhelm me to the point where I feel uncomfortable in work or where people start to pick up on that impression. Those two things are the last things I want. 

If anyone reading this thinks I'm way over my head or even has some advice, please say. Maybe it's a personal weakness of mine that I haven't fully diagnosed yet. 

First post of the year - hopefully one to reflect on.

As many of you know, the new year resolution is designed to be a process of change for the individual. It's basically an excuse to step your pussy up and do something different about your life may that be get a new job, lose weight (one which I am hoping to achieve ready for my much needed holiday in June) or just for good health and happiness as the new year progresses.

My biggest new year resolution this year which is already becoming one I feel the pressure to achieve - and I hope will resonate with many people my age - is to save money. Now, I'm privileged to come from a family who will always be there to support me financially and "lend" me some money to pay off expensive things (like the fact last year that despite 3 years of driving experience, I still can not park my car or do anything successfully involving the reverse gear or below 5mph for the life of me, resulting in me damaging my delicate plastic suzuki alto a horrible 3 times). With that being said, you're probably wondering why is she moaning? There are people who are worse off financially than she will ever be and, to be honest, there is a part of me that is looking at myself and saying "Pull yourself together guurrl for fuck's sake".

However, I am one of those people who hate to sponge off others and my lifelong goal is to NOT sponge off the hard worked fortunes of my mum and my dad's family for the rest of my life (unlike certain individuals in my family - mentioning no names). I want to make something of my life. I want to be able to be self-sufficient and fund myself so that I can do nice things in life like travel, eat out at nice places, provide great memories for my boyfriend and to stop being so jealous of that lifestyle people in my own year in school (people I would never expect to be in that situation) live now.

The feeling of jealousy of other's success is horrible and I frown upon it massively....but I just seriously can't help it. My god, I get jealous by the fact my boyfriend gets more money - even with him being younger than me - simply by the fact that he had such a shit childhood being in care for part of it. Yet, despite those hard times, he has managed to make something of his life and make it admirable; he's now in uni studying for a career he's always wanted to do, he holds a seasonal/part-time job that allows him to be flexible (if ever so slightly take the piss with his hours) and STILL, and most importantly, HAVE A LIFE. My biggest question is: why can't I?

Do you know what that answer is? Money. Since sixth form, I've had a part-time job which starts at a contract of small hours but I work myself silly just to see myself have loads of money at the end of the month. I have been obsessed with money and earning a hard keep ever since I turned 18. But now I'm with someone who rightfully so wants to make a life and live young (like it should be), I can't help but feel I have no choice but to be tied down with a job just to make ends meet.

So, my biggest resolution for 2019 I guess is to change my outlook on money. Yes, I need to start saving my money and stop splurging on Haribos and KFCs (as bloody lush as they are). On the other hand, I need to view money as a positive rather than a necessity. I WANT to be able to travel abroad and see those unforeseen sights and beauties. I WANT to be able to provide a long-term financial future for myself as well as with my other half particularly if we are going to last for a long time. I WANT to stop moaning and fretting over how much I have each month and, instead, see money as an opportunity to take me to places and heights I never would have reached without it.

I want to be able to look back on this post come November/December with a different perception on that shiny pound coin. This blog is not necessarily to please people or to get fans; if anything, it's a positive way for me to rant and stop crying or moping over things that are so pathetic but aim to look at these things that are bothering me and ask myself, "Can I look at this positively? Or is this something that really needs me crying over?"

Also, if you do come across this blog and can think of any money-saving advice, PLEASE don't be afraid to tell me. I will take any advice I can - even if it means cutting back on life's luxuries for me to have those opportunities in life :)